I can’t bring myself to write how I feel. If I even know. So lost and overwhelmed and confused.
Waiting at DBT right now. I need this badly.
I can’t bring myself to write how I feel. If I even know. So lost and overwhelmed and confused.
Waiting at DBT right now. I need this badly.
I do this like always! :)
As soon as I got home.
I took this photo and about fifty others one night on my trip. I was feeling overwhelming emotions from looking at home movies my dad had found, wondering who that little girl was and thinking about everything that happened during those years. They feel like lost years sometimes… few photos, no one talks about it yet everyone talks about it, and I had completely forgotten about most of the videos.
I get so confused by these new feelings like sadness and that made me incredibly frustrated.
So what do I turn to? Laying naked on the bathroom floor and taking photos of myself, and looking at each one immediately. Then I studied a few of them intensely, adjusting colour balance and such.
Talking it over with Ali (therapist), it makes a lot of sense. It’s like my time spent on cam, and how that changed everything for me, by being able to see what feeling looks like and use that as a reference point. I guess I’m a visual person.
But I find something sadly beautiful about this photo.
The problem is that you don’t just choose recovery. You have to keep choosing recovery, over and over and over again. You have to make that choice 5-6 times each day. You have to make that choice even when you really don’t want to. It’s not a single choice, and it’s not easy.
Hey, I can voluntarily skim tech startup articles without hyperventilating now.
I’m home.
It’s Drupalcon. This is a very difficult time of year right now. I don’t want to have to unfollow people. I can do this.
Some days I don’t feel worth it. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be happy again. A lot of the time I don’t have the willingness or tools to take care of myself. I’m always scared to face my true demons. I tell myself how much I suck and how stupid I am on a daily basis. I love/hate food, and it makes me fat. I’m weak and can’t control myself some days. But I want to live and thrive.
