If you think you’re being disruptive, but you’re not offending, irritating, or inconveniencing anyone: you’re not being disruptive.
deathbyjazzhands asked: Hi there! I was a fan of your site back in the day and I'm very happy to see that you're doing well these days. I think I remember finding about your site after you did an interview from a bathtub for The Screen Savers or something for TechTV, but I've never been able to find a video of it. Can you confirm or deny that this actually happened?
It did happen! I have the videos of it (I kicked ass, btw) which I’ll have to put online at some point… I’ll put that on the to-do list :)
do you make passes at girls who wear glasses?
Only when firmly grounded in a strong real self can we live and share our lives with others in ways that are healthy, straightforward expressions of our deepest needs and desires, and in so doing find fulfillment and meaning.
James F. Masterson, Search for the Real Self: Unmasking the Personality Disorders of Our Age
It’s amazing how much I’ve quieted the demons in my head over the past six months. Even in the ups and downs of these months, with intensely difficult moments and ongoing emotional struggles, there has been a fundamental shift in my thinking patterns.
I drop my phone. I forget to bring a grocery bag. I make a substantial mistake on a financial website.
Now these everyday mistakes, and even the larger ones, rarely set off the extended self-loathing of berating myself repeatedly in my head.
There are moments. There will be moments. But there are less of them. And we are all human.
A couple of weeks ago, I was describing a wonderful moment to Ali where I had started thinking about ideas down the road and a path to get there… and I realized I’d been dreaming about the future for the first time since all this began. Not just existing to try and get through the next little while.
Tears rolled down my cheeks.
For the first time, I feel like I have a real life.
Vincent Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he thought it would get the happiness inside him. Many people thought he was mad and stupid for doing so because the paint was toxic, never mind that it was obvious that eating paint couldn’t possible have any direct correlation to one’s happiness, but I never saw that. If you were so unhappy that even the maddest ideas could possible work, like painting the walls of your internal organs yellow, than you are going to do it. It’s really no different than falling in love or taking drugs. There is a greater risk of getting your heart broken or overdosing, but people still do it everyday because there was always that chance it could make things better. Everyone has their yellow paint.
I’ve finally learned that I don’t owe anyone an explanation for being less present online for a time, but I would like to say hello again with an update on a few things.
Special edition CDs. I found some awesome rehearsal and recording videos I didn’t even know I had! I’m about to order the USB drives this week and will get a couple extras, so I wanted to give one last chance if anyone wants to pick up a hard copy of my album (see link above).
The holidays were incredibly hard for me, for a variety of reasons I’m not really willing or able to get into right now. It’s incredibly painful losing two families (as I knew them) at once.
I am incredibly grateful for the surrogate family and very close relationships I have here at 20mission. I am in the right place.
Many incredible things are happening, but it has also been a period of unrelenting crisis and playing constant catch-up on spoons. Anxiety, relationships, illness, food and sleep, missing therapy, financial stress, etc.
Camming. I’m fairly sure that I’m coming back to it but I’ve been pursuing other endeavours as well, and just haven’t had the bandwidth for both. However, I recently drank the Bitcoin koolaid (hard not to in this house and relationship) and I’m finding there are some BTC-focused adult opportunities that feel more like the comfortably geeky grassroots world that the camming/amateur site world was a dozen years ago when I started.
[The borderline] caroms back and forth from clinging dependency to angry manipulation, from gushes of gratitude to fits of irrational anger. (S)he fears abandonment, so (s)he clings; (s)he fears engulfment, so (s)he pushes away. (S)he craves intimacy and is terrified of it at the same time. S(h)e winds up repelling those with whom (s)he most wants to connect.
I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me by Jerold Kreisman and Hal Straus (via borderline-disaster)